Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Randomize
