My girlfriend figured out who you are.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
