Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
