Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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