I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Randomize
