Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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