I swear she didn't look like that last week.
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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