Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
