she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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