did you get engaged???
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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