...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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