Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Randomize
