I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
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