I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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