Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
