his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Pi�atas plus fireworks don't mix well
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Randomize
