now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
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