When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
