screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Even my vagina gasped.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
