My Higher Power is John Stamos
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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