Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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