Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
