everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
