Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
