New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
