I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
