hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
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