I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
