Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
