I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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