in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Randomize
