so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
