I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
