That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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