why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
