I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
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