I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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