JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
You're a waste of cheezeits
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
