she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I enjoy the company of your penis
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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