The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
