so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I woke up under a house in Key West
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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