Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Randomize
