OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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