they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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