Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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