the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
