I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
