new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So. Much. Porn.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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