I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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