And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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